Chapter 170: New Year's Eve Dinner

The new year had already slipped past the door and wandered off somewhere into the cold night, but it was very much alive inside the Pocket Dwelling. It smelled like a celebration. It felt like a celebration. If the new year had a color, it would have been hanging in the air.

A misty sheen of condensation clung to the wide brass horn of the gramophone as she puffed out a thin curl of steam. The steam slid across the air in lazy, greedy spirals before brushing against the enormous locust head laid out in front of them.

Clang! Clang! Clang! Tap!

"Insect Overlord~~~" the gramophone wifey tapped out a beat and sang, stretching the final note in a slow, lingering rhythm.

Li Banfeng had never heard the term before. "What's an insect overlord?"

"It's one of the leaders among Entomic Cultivators," she said. "It's even stronger than a local land deity."

She paused, then added, "Wait... this isn't an ordinary insect overlord. Let me smell it. Yes. This thing has received another kind of providence. I can't be wrong. There's no mistake. Someone has bestowed a fateful transformation upon it. This is truly good stuff. Very good stuff!"

The enormous locust head's antennae continued to tremble.It did not look entirely dead. If anything, it seemed terrified.

More and more droplets gathered along the rim of the horn, clinging there until they slid down in thin trails. Wifey was barely holding herself back from lunging at it. Yet even as her hunger surged, a flicker of caution remained.

She still wanted to know where that head had come from.

"Heyaaaaaaaa~ Husband dear~ Where did this insect overlord's head come from?"

Li Banfeng answered honestly. "The Peddler sold it to me."

"The Peddler? Sold it to you?" The gramophone's voice rose in disbelief. "How could he sell you something like this? Husband, you mustn't joke about such matters."

Li Banfeng shot her an annoyed look. "Have I ever joked about this? The Peddler sold it to me. He said twenty. I said fifteen. We settled there."

Tak-tak-tak-tak! Hyah!

Huff! Huff!

Wifey froze. For a moment, she genuinely suspected Li Banfeng was acting mad again. And so, she asked, "Husband dear~ You just said fifteen and twenty. That's not Huan currency, right?"

"They were Huan currency."

"You mean fifteen and twenty hundred million, right?" she asked carefully. "There's no way you could come up with that kind of money... could you?"

Li Banfeng puffed out his chest. "How would I have that much? I only spent fifteen Huan yuan."

Huff! Huff!

A soft cloud of steam drifted over and wrapped around Li Banfeng, carrying the gramophone wifey's gentle affection.

"Husband, our bond has always been sincere, and we have never doubted each other. It's only that my body is unwell, so I've never been able to consummate our marriage. Husband, please don't hold it against me."

Li Banfeng smiled with forced generosity. "I do mind, actually. If we never consummate, what kind of proper couple are we? But if I can oil you once a day, then maybe it's something we can discuss."

As he spoke, he carried over the oil can and opened the back casing.

"Heyaaaaaaaaa~ Husband dear~ Let's not talk about oil for now. The oil really is... no, no, not lacking..."

Though her singing had gone terribly off-key, the gramophone wifey endured it. She caught her breath, and continued, "Husband, you have already oiled me. Now let's talk properly about this insect overlord. Husband, don't deceive me. Where did it really come from?"

Li Banfeng snapped, "I told you! I bought it from the Peddler. If you think I am lying, I will toss it right now."

𝐟𝚛𝕖𝚎𝕨𝗲𝐛𝚗𝐨𝐯𝐞𝕝.𝐜𝗼𝗺

He was really about to throw it away when the gramophone hurriedly stopped him, "Husband dear! You mustn't throw this away."

"Why not? It cost fifteen. What's all the fuss about?"

"Husband dear~ Don't be angry. You can oil me as much as you like. Don't be upset. I know I was wrong~"

The gramophone coaxed and pleaded until Li Banfeng finally stopped and came back.

From the side, the Tang saber gave a low hum and spoke with solemn respect. "Madam, this saber bears witness for my lord. The head was indeed purchased for fifteen Huan yuan. The Peddler himself declared it should be consumed while fresh, whether simmered in porridge or stewed in broth."

"Stew what soup? Cook what porridge?" the gramophone scoffed as she drove two needles straight into the locust head. "Something this good must be eaten raw!"

Shff... swish, swish... rrrustle...

The bronze lotus slowly blossomed, its metal petals unfurling one by one. Beads of dew slid down the bronze surface and fell in quiet drops.

She had already refined the Dripper creature and a fragment from Pan Dehai's heart, yet the lotus seeds were still incomplete. Now she halted the refinement midway.

The whirlwind within the lotus core shifted direction. It surged outward and swept toward the trembling antennae of the locust head.

"Crimson Lotus, are you tempted too? Don't rush," the gramophone said, still holding herself back. "I still can't make sense of what the Peddler is planning."

The liquor gourd edged closer and rubbed lightly against Li Banfeng. She clearly wanted to speak, but she waited for his permission.

Li Banfeng patted the gourd's waist twice. "If you have something to say, say it. There's no need to act with such restraint at home."

The gourd turned toward the gramophone. "Elder Sis, this little bro earned some merit wiping out those Annihilation Mosquitos in the Ridges of Bottomless Stomachs. This should be the Peddler's reward."

"Merit..." the gramophone muttered and thought,

What did Ihe even do to deserve a reward like this?

Wifey didn't know much about what was happening outside. She had wanted to ask for more details, but the hunger gnawing at her made her abandon the thought.

"Whether it is a loss or a gain, all I am hearing is that we don't owe the Peddler anything. No one owes anyone. A gift as a reward does sound like the Peddler's way of doing things. In that case, there's nothing to worry about!

"Heyaaaaaaaaaaa~ Sisters! Prepare your chopsticks!"

The Tang saber shouted, "I am ready too!"

The gramophone trembled, and a low hum filled the air as she began sucking the locust's lingering soul and spirit essence.

The pendulum darted forward at once and pleaded, "Madam! I have followed the master loyally, facing enemies in battle without ever retreating. Surely I cannot be left without a reward."

After speaking, the pendulum leaned in and sucked a mouthful of the locust's brain marrow.

The gramophone erupted in fury. A violent burst of steam shot out and blasted the pendulum backward. "You ill-mannered wench! I haven't finished eating, and you dare take a bite already?!"

"Miss the moment, and it will not come again! Seize the timing when it arrives!" the Tang saber shouted as it rushed forward. "Madam speaks rightly. How could the pendulum take a turn? I am the one who charges at the front in every fight!"

The Tang saber was not greedy. It only wanted a single antenna. The gramophone refused outright and blasted it with steam until it glowed a furious red.

From the side, the earring cried out, "Master, I have served at your side with diligence. When have I ever been lazy? I can't miss out on this share of merit."

"You won't... Li Banfeng comforted. "You won't..."

"This old man's heart is breaking!" the teapot wailed. "I'm willing to change the rules. I swear my loyalty to the master. Just let me have one bite!"

The teapot could not hold back any longer. Though the gramophone had sealed him and he could not use any of his powers, he still endured the scalding steam and struggled forward, hoping for a share.

The liquor gourd had been holding herself in check, but the gramophone saw straight through her.

"Little sis, do you want some?" she asked. "Since you only take flesh and blood, you can wait until I'm done. Then you can have a bite. Once you eat with the family, you become part of this family. There's no need for you to stand on ceremony."

The liquor gourd brushed gently against Li Banfeng. She was nervous and could not tell whether the invitation was genuine or merely a test.

Li Banfeng smiled. "Go on, eat. Think of it as a New Year's Eve dinner."

Seeing the gourd seek Li Banfeng's approval for everything, wifey paused for a moment, then went back to devouring the locust head.

All the enchanted artifacts gathered nearby, circling around and waiting for a chance. The moment wifey and the Crimson Lotus were done eating, they would rush in and claim a share.

Faintly, Li Banfeng heard a weak voice.

"Give me... one bite... just one..."

Who's talking? Li Banfeng thought. He followed the sound for a long time before finally finding its source. It was the Judge's Brush, the one that was crafted by a Lazy Cultivator.

When Li Banfeng had obtained a fragment of Pan Dehai's heart before, the Judge's Brush had wanted a bite. When they had acquired the Dripper creature, he had wanted a bite then as well. He simply could not be bothered to speak.

But this time, they had the head of an insect overlord. And this time, the Judge's Brush could no longer resist the temptation. It finally opened its mouth.

Even the Judge's Brush is talking? Is there any artifact that doesn't voice up?

Li Banfeng wondered. Then he suddenly remembered the fan Pan Dehai had given him.

It had not spoken. Of course it hadn't. It had already lost its voice when the Bronze Lotus refined it. However, the refinement had been going on for quite some time now, so why has it not reacted yet?

If even the fragment of the heart and the Dripper had been hard to digest, refining an enchanted artifact should not have taken this long.

Li Banfeng turned to the bronze lotus flower and asked about it, but she could not speak to him directly.

The gramophone answered for her, still chewing as she spoke. "This isn't Crimson Lotus's fault. She's already purified the folding fan. It's just that the spirit essence inside is troublesome.

"The spirit essence inside that fan is fiercely loyal to Pan Dehai," the gramophone said. "It claims it will follow you, but it still harbors other intentions. That is Pan Dehai's doing. Even if the fan were refined again, it would remain rebellious.

"Crimson Lotus does not eat anything that is alive. In high-level artifacts like this, the spirit essence within is considered a living being. And so, the Crimson Lotus handed it to this little wifey, and this little wifey devoured it."

"Ate it?" Li Banfeng frowned. "Then wouldn't that ruin the artifact?"

"It can't be called ruined," the gramophone replied. "The materials are still intact. The materials of high-level artifacts are all precious. If you encounter an obedient spirit essence in the future, you can refine it again. Little Sis Gourd, do you think this was handled properly?"

Another layer of cold sweat beaded along the gourd's surface.

She answered carefully, "Elder Sis Gramophone handled it perfectly. This is exactly how it should be done."

The gramophone wifey continued absorbing the spirit essence.

Crimson Lotus stirred up another swirl of wind that swept across the insect sovereign's head. The pendulum edged closer. The Tang saber followed, inching forward without a word.

That was the final straw. The gramophone flared up in rage.

"What's wrong with all of you today? None of you are following the rules. Have you all been possessed by hungry ghosts or something?"

GROOOOWL...

A strange noise came from the gramophone's water tank. It sounded very similar to a person's stomach growling.

"Hey! Why does this little wifey still feel hungry?" she exclaimed. "This is far too abnormal. Husband, did you bring something back with you?"

Li Banfeng reached into his pocket and took out the wriggling worm. "Pan Dehai gave this to me."

"The Intestinal Roller Silkworm!" Wifey cried out in shock. "How could that old dog Pan Dehai give you something like this? No wonder the whole household has been starving. So this worm was the culprit!"

Li Banfeng said, "It's still a treasure."

"It is a treasure, that's true," the gramophone wifey replied, "but aside from Gourmandism Cultivators, it's useless to everyone else."

"It can't be completely useless," Li Banfeng said. "If it's really useless, maybe we can have Crimson Lotus refine it into an artifact."

"This aberrant creature exists only in the Ridges of Bottomless Stomachs," the gramophone said. "Any artifact made from it would likely have little use and cost far too much. And if you carry it around, you'll be craving food day and night. It would be nothing but a burden."

"Then let's refine it into pills," replied Li Banfeng.

"This thing can't be refined into any proper pills either," Wifey added. "If you ate them, you might end up turning into a hungry ghost yourself. In the end, you would still have to sell it to a Gourmandism Cultivator."

She paused, then continued, "Besides, Crimson Lotus doesn't eat things alive. The worm's soul would still have to be handled separately."

"Then you can eat it and nourish yourself," Li Banfeng said.

"Husband dear, thank you for your concern," she replied sweetly. "But if this little wifey eats it and develops that insatiable hunger, I won't remain so polite and gentle. I'm afraid I'll start devouring anything I see."

The way she said it made it sound as though she was usually very courteous, gentle, and well-mannered.

Li Banfeng opened a can of preserved food. "Then what do you suggest we do with it?"

"Husband dear, do not bring that dreadful thing back home again!" the gramophone cried, letting out a puff of steam. "If it stays any longer, something simply will go wrong. Sell it at once. Find one of those Gourmandism Cultivators. They adore ghastly little creatures like this. It should earn you a splendid amount.

Judging from the chaos today, the enchanted artifacts were already losing control. The pendulum had lunged. The Tang saber had roared. Even the Judge's Brush, forged by a Lazy Cultivator, had been tempted to speak.

Li Banfeng spooned canned meat into his mouth as he spoke, "I can't carry this thing around forever," he said. "We have nearly eaten through all the canned food at home."

At this, the gramophone gave a hiss and blasted the Intestinal Roller Silkworm with a thick cloud of steam, trapping it within the steam.

"I shall restrain it for now," she declared grandly. "But I cannot promise how long. Husband dear, sell it as soon as possible."

The atmosphere inside the Pocket Dwelling remained lively. Even with the Intestinal Roller Silkworm suppressed, the insect sovereign's head still tempted everyone.

When the gramophone wifey finished absorbing the spirit essence of the insect overlord, she looked rather sleepy.

The other artifacts each managed to claim a share. As the bronze lotus flower took the insect head, layer upon layer of soft radiance rippled across its petals, spreading outward in quiet waves.

Li Banfeng stepped out of the Pocket Dwelling. He unfolded the map and followed the route Old Mister Yao had taken, heading back toward Medicine King Gully.

The liquor gourd sounded worried. "Little Bro, I promise I won't speak carelessly to Old Mister Yao when I go back. If you really find yourself unable to trust me, we don't have to go back to the Medicine King Gully. It's just that I am still bound by the contract. It would be better if I explained things to him in person."

Li Banfeng gave the gourd a gentle pat. "I trust you. And I trust Old Mister Yao as well."

***

Inside the Pocket Dwelling, the Crimson Lotus asked, "It seems like that gourd hasn't been able to grasp or control that madman's thought."

Huff~

"She truly doesn't," the gramophone replied with a great yawning wheeze. "And as for what the madman is really thinking... well... sometimes even I haven't the faintest idea."

Hiss~~

The Crimson Lotus rustled faintly and asked in a soft, careful voice, "Vicious woman, are you about to recover? You have eaten a great many splendid things these past two days."

Huff~

"You shameless woman," the gramophone snapped. "Have you eaten any less than I have? You handed the pills to the madman, yet you still kept the good parts for yourself. You've been chewing this long, so you must have built up quite a bit of strength by now."

The Crimson Lotus let out a faint metallic laugh. "I am merely collecting crumbs from the corner of your mouth. One day, if you manage to leave this place, don't forget to bring me along."

Crackle~

"When the day comes that you intend to leave," the gramophone replied, "you better inform me in advance. Otherwise, do not blame me for ruining your plans."

"Vicious woman, do you truly think we could find a way out on our own?" Crimson Lotus asked as she stirred up a swirl of wind and pushed open the door to the outer room. It looked as though she were gazing past it, toward the door of the main chamber beyond.

"Didn't you already try?" the gramophone replied lazily. "This is the madman's dwelling. Without him, no one is leaving. If you don't believe me, go ahead and try again."

She gave one more long yawn before falling into a deep sleep.

The Crimson Lotus suddenly flared with light and set to work at once, refining pills in quick, whirling bursts. She needed to make more pills for the madman to eat.

She could sense it. The madman's Homebound Cultivation was about to break through. But if his Wanderlust Cultivation failed to keep pace, the imbalance could cost him his life.

As she made the pills, she kept stealing glances toward the doorway. Before leaving this place, she had to make sure the madman stayed alive.

Author's Note:

PS: Isn't life pretty good following Banfeng around? Why does Crimson Lotus want to leave?