Chapter 319: The Way to Endless Hell (1)

Boring.

I blinked and tried to move my fingers. They moved. I sat up and looked around, trying to speak.

“Kim... Gong-Ja...”

I didn’t have any problems talking. I could also remember my name, meaning that I didn't forget who I was.

“

Ugh?

”

Excruciating pain gripped my head.

“

Ah, ugh...

argh

...!”

The blood vessels on the side of my head throbbed and bulged as if they were about to burst. The headache quickly spread from the side of my head to the front. My lips parted, and my salivary glands went out of control, causing my mouth to water uncontrollably. I barely managed to wipe the saliva dripping from the corner of my mouth with the back of my hand.

“My lady! Are you okay?”

A door opened, and footsteps followed. Someone burst in. The urgency in their voices sounded like fingernails scraping against metal.

I could only groan. “Quiet... Keep it down...”

Fortunately, the person seemed to have understood me.

“

Oh

, my. You’re burning up. I thought you were feeling better after last weekend. I’ll bring the doctor.”

“

Umm...

”

“Please wait here for a moment, my lady. The other maids will get here soon.”

It was difficult to understand what was going on. Judging by how she called me “my lady,” I seem to have become a woman. If so, was ■■■■ ■■ ■■■ originally a woman?

That’s strange.

■■■■ ■■ ■■■’s original gender wasn’t recorded because it was erased. The Tower stripped them of their name and appearance. Even if I used my Skill to peek into the trauma, I couldn’t read the erased records. After all, my Skill was also cast within the Tower.

Why? Who have I become? Whose trauma had it been replaced wit—

Despite the blinding pain, I managed to look up and face the mirror in the room. I even forgot to groan as my jaw dropped to the floor.

The silver hair put the moonlight to shame, and the bloody scarlet eyes made anyone who looked at them flinch. However, the curve from her forehead was so delicate that it seemed like it would break at any moment. People couldn’t help but watch this person, feeling a fear that they couldn’t comprehend. One had no other choice but to stare at her. She was...

“Lady Ivansia? Are you all right?”

“It seems like she’s having a fever again right after she woke up this morning...”

“She tends to get sick a lot. Don’t worry. It’s probably nothing serious.”

“What should I do? Shall I tell Her Grace?”

“She already has enough worries of her own. I’ll examine Lady Ivansia first and—”

She was the person I loved.

***

Boring.

I lay beside the garden fountain, staring at the sky. It seemed that I had become Raviel Ivansia, the goddess I loved, when she was young.

“About twelve years old, I suppose...”

Even my voice, which echoed and distorted inside my mouth, still carried the same beautiful resonance.

“

Ugh.

”

Although I was just muttering to myself, I was somehow embarrassed. It felt as though she was whispering directly into my ear. What should I do? If someone saw me, they would think I had fallen in love with my voice, which was embarrassing. That was just crazy. I didn’t mind embarrassing myself, but not Raviel.

“I see. I have no choice but not to speak...”

It was a genius solution.

“While I’m at it, I should also keep my eyes closed. I don’t mind not looking at the mirror, but the maids will have a hard time dressing me. It’d be better to just wrap bandages around my head.”

A maid rushed over from afar. “My lady! Y-you shouldn’t be lying on the fountain!”

“Come here. Quickly.”

I was lying on the stone ledge of the circular fountain. Despite the bright sun, the fountain’s refreshing coolness seeped in. Raviel liked cooler temperatures, which I had found out when I was living with her. It seemed that, even as a child, she had instinctively sought out cool places.

I said, “No, I may have given you the wrong instruction. Take your time. You’ll run out of breath.”

“

Huff, huff...

God, I feel like I’m dying...”

“You’re already out of breath. My instruction came too late. I failed to prevent my maid’s fatigue, so this is all my fault.”

“M-my lady, you can’t lie down here! As the most distinguished lady in the empire, your elegance will be questioned.”

The maid covered my waist with a thin blanket. Even the blanket felt unnecessarily extravagant, as if the Ivansia family wanted to prove that they didn’t need to be frugal.

“Is that so?” I asked.

“Yes!”

“But think about it carefully. As you said, I’m the empire’s most distinguished lady, but that reputation isn’t something you’re born with. That has to be proven throughout time.”

“

Huh?

”

“If I’m not worthy of being the most distinguished lady, then lying here idly would make me look unelegant. That would mean I am only capable of that much, but what if I'm not unelegant?”

“What?”

“If I look graceful even as I lie on the fountain, that proves my grace as a noble lady. Wouldn’t you agree? The empire’s most distinguished lady has to exude grace in everything she does: eating, sleeping, dressing—simply being alive. Of course, lying on the fountain’s ledge should be graceful too, shouldn’t it?”

“

Um... uh... huh?

”

“So I don’t need a blanket.” I lightly pushed the blanket and let it fall into the fountain.

“

Ah!

That’s an expensive one...”

“Even the fountain would want to be covered with a blanket sometimes. Look at me instead.”

At a loss, the maid obeyed my order, her eyes capturing my reflection. As I lay down on the stone ledge of the fountain, with one arm hanging down, I gazed sideways at the maid.

“How is it?” I asked.

“Y-you’re graceful.”

“Like a portrait?”

“Yes, you’re as beautiful as a portrait, my lady.”

“I’ll ask your aesthetic sense’s judgment now. Is covering the waist of this portrait with a brown blanket a cultural advantage or loss? If this portrait were to be hung in the palace corridor, should the blanket be there?”

“

Hmm?

I guess it’s more beautiful without it...?”

“Exactly. In other words, it’s been proven that there is no problem for me to stay as the empire’s most distinguished lady. I’m doing my best to be a portrait worthy of the walls of the imperial palace. Your worries are unnecessary.”

“

Huh? Huh?

”

“Get going now. I want to enjoy the garden’s fresh air and the fountain’s sound a little longer.”

“

Ah

, okay.

Huh?

“

The maid kept shaking her head, though she backed away. Seeing her like that stirred my cold heart with a slightly pleasant feeling. For a moment, I heard the fountain trickling down.

I was bored. I was bored. I was bored.

“

Hmmm...

”

What was this bottomless boredom? No, it was the boredom itself that was the bottom. What was it?

“I see.”

This was Raviel’s childhood.

“I find this world boring.”

This emotion dominated her entire childhood.

“No matter what I do—read books, socialize, learn swordsmanship—I feel no sense of fulfillment.”

The sky was blue. It was clear, with only a few white clouds. Yet even that sky was more expressive than Raviel’s face right now, which was completely blank. I could assume that there were several paths that I could follow from now on.

I could become the emperor’s wife. Become the empress and manipulate the emperor like a puppet to rule the empire. Or, I could gather noble factions under the name of Ivansia and rebel against them. I could rule the newly built empire and enjoy twenty years of dominance.

Perhaps that was the best I could do with what Raviel was given at birth.

Anything is possible.

No matter which path I chose, I sensed that I could succeed as long as no random misfortune intervened.

The emperor is a wise ruler. There is no reason to plot rebellion. Seeing loyal subjects diligently serving the emperor and peasants working hard in the fields of Ivansia is very satisfying.

I found the sight beautiful. It was like when I saw a famous painting that I wasn’t very familiar with. I did find it beautiful, although it wasn’t fun. The only feeling in my heart was that I wanted to protect beauty.

Am I going to dedicate my life to the empire, or more precisely, to all the people of the empire?

It would have meaning. It was just that...

... it’s boring.

I couldn’t stand how boring it was. Every morning, I would dust off the masterpiece, work to preserve its colors, catch the ruffians who tried to ruin it, and kill the thieves who tried to steal it. That was all. In this life, everything, from morning to night, was predetermined.

“Hey.”

A ripple spread across the fountain’s surface. I turned and saw a blond boy in the middle of the garden, holding a pebble and smiling.

“Wife.”

I impassively answered, “I’m not your wife yet, Your Highness.”

“Then wife-to-be.”

“Wouldn’t it be rude if I called you the emperor-to-be?”

“I believe tolerating each other’s rudeness is a virtue of marriage. If you can’t tolerate that, well, I’ll end up taking a concubine. Is that the future you desire?”

“Frankly, I don’t care.”

The blond boy sighed dramatically. “My wife-to-be is truly a cold-hearted woman.”

He was the sole heir to the empire. The crown prince had been my fiance for twenty years. Our engagement had been decided even before I was born.

Is this also my path?

The blonde boy said, “You still refuse to stand up and pay your respects. You’re the first person to do that, aside from my mother.”

“You said that tolerating each other’s rudeness is a virtue of marriage.”

“

Oh

, then I suppose I can be even ruder.”

The crown prince grabbed my wrist. His hand was very cold. It would probably leave a red mark on my wrist.

“Let’s go,” he said.

“Where?”

“Anywhere. To be honest, my father told me to flatter you a bit. He said it wouldn’t hurt to make a good impression on the Ivansia family, which I agree with. If I’m going to flatter someone, I might as well flatter the most beautiful lady in the empire.”

“You have a way with words. That will be trouble in the future.”

“

Huh?

” The boy tilted his head. “What do you mean?”

“Words are spontaneous, but the actions born from those words leave a lasting trail. Considering the trail is called responsibility, Words are only words until they’re spoken. To take responsibility, however, actions must follow. You’re good with your words, so your trail will be long. Can you handle that?”

Yes, he didn’t understand. Though the crown prince was trying his best to act like an adult, he could not grasp advice that carried the essence of life. Only adults or geniuses could understand such advice. Unfortunately, the crown prince was neither.

“You sound just like the prime minister. Well, never mind. I didn’t come here for my wife-to-be’s nagging.”

“Why did you come then?” I asked.

“There’s a new shop that opened in the marketplace! They say it’s a pastry shop, full of exotic pastries, and they just got strawberry ones, which are supposed to be delicious because the fruit is in season right now!”

“If it’s just pastries, my house’s cooks can get them ready here, too. Shall I have them brought?”

“

Ah

, you really have no idea, To-Be. No idea!”

His name for me changed from “wife” to “wife-to-be” to “to-be.”

“The snacks brought from the kitchen are just proof of your service! I don’t want your service. I want proper interaction between free citizens. That’s right. I want free trade!” he shouted enthusiastically.

“Those citizens will envy

our

freedom, Your Highness.”

“So we’re envying each other. It’s the ideal relationship between a ruler and his subjects!”

He wasn’t listening, and he didn’t even know what he was talking about, just spouting some fancy words meaninglessly.

“Come on, come on! I’ve already arranged a carriage, which doesn’t belong to the imperial family or yours.I borrowed one from a merchant, so no one will recognize us!” he said cheerfully.

That was impossible. My silver hair was the noble symbol of Ivansia. As soon as I entered the pastry shop, the employees would panic and kneel. The owner was also going to rush out and bow low. In Raviel’s mind, I could picture everything vividly.

I see.

“Do as you wish, Your Highness,” I said.

“

Ohhhh!

Now we’re talking, To-Be!”

Escaping the path was very simple.

He chattered, “After we stop by the shop, let’s go to the market!

Phew

. I’m not bragging, but I’ve already been to the six-day market, the three-day market, and the permanent market in the capital. When it comes to this area, I’m much more of an expert than you are.”

All I had to do was be a little dumb.

“I look forward to it.”

“You should be!”

Being with this man made me feel like my life was about to shake up. Everything I was familiar with—my daily routine, what I ate and drank, where I slept—was being shaken up. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it fun, but it was definitely refreshing.

“Now, To-Be! Over here, over here!”

I could forget myself, even if it were for a moment. That was more than I could ask for. It was enough reason to give my heart to someone.

“This is amazing. Are strawberries this delicious when they’re in season? Here, try some, To-Be.

Mmm.

After this... I suddenly want to see the sea. How about it? Let’s go to the beach.”

The hardest thing for me was letting myself go and forget. For someone like me, forgetting had always been the hardest thing.

“It’s too dark to see the sea,” he grumbled.

“Your Highness.”

Yes, I decided to be satisfied with this life. It was boring. It was so, so boring.

“

Hmm?

”

“I will try to love you, Your Highness.”

“

Oh!

Finally...”

“However, there is a condition,” I said.

Sometimes one had to be content with the moonlight on the water rather than the sun itself.

“Love only me.”

The water had to be calm for the moonlight to shine. I decided to ask only for silence in this world.

“Don’t take a concubine or even spare them a glance. If you’re capable of love, then love only me. If you aren’t, then pour all your efforts into me. Then I will probably be able to remain by your side. I’ll serve you, protect the empire, and take care of the people. Your Highness, can you promise to only love me?”

The boy closed his mouth. After a while, with his usual brightness, he said, “Of course! I’ll love only you!”

Well, maybe it wasn’t bad to hope for something in this world. At least the sound of waves echoing from an invisible, endless, bottomless sea was cooler than that of the water trickling from a fountain.

[Recreating your killer’s trauma.]

I closed my eyes.