Chapter 1488. Backstage (9)

“Did you really think I meant that, you cursed hypocritical bastard?” I said.

“Mr. Ki-Young...?”

“...”

“...”

“What? Did you think I would forget you?” I asked.

“...”

“You disgusting, filthy, hypocritical bastard. So... that was the moment you swore you would atone while living on, wasn’t it? Rahel’s death... all of our deaths... became the stepping stone for your growth?

"What kind of resolve did you make, exactly? That you wanted to save people? That you didn’t want ordinary people to suffer like that ever again?” I questioned.

“...”

𝕗𝐫𝚎𝗲𝘄𝐞𝕓𝐧𝕠𝘃𝕖𝐥.𝐜𝚘𝚖

“You... cursed idiot. How dare you... how dare you think you have the right to save anyone? Honestly... did you believe you had that right? Or did you think that doing that would somehow erase your sins? The things... you... did... did you really think... they could ever be forgiven? No, you... you... you already thought you were liberated, didn’t you? You nauseating bastard.

Urk... ugh...

”

“M-Mr... Ki-Young...” Kim Hyun-Sung muttered.

“So that’s why... you walked around with your head held high as if nothing had happened. You...” I paused.

“T-that’s not true."

“You thought you could atone... you thought you had already paid for everything... so you walked around shamelessly... with your head up."

“...”

“Even if... those who have already left can’t be brought back... you thought... that alone... could cover up... your mistakes...” I said.

“T-that’s not... No... that’s... not...” he muttered.

“Really? Ask yourself. Ask your own heart... and answer me again. Are you sure... you never once had

that

thought? Can you honestly say you never thought that way? Can you swear your good deeds weren’t just a way to cover your sins?

"No, regardless of your intentions, can you truly say your conscience didn’t feel even a little lighter because of them?” I questioned him.

“

Heugh... heuk... ngh...

”

“You can’t say no. Because... that’s... your nature. That’s the kind of person you are. When something too burdensome comes up, you run away from it. That has always been your specialty. Your favorite thing. When a problem appears... you run.

"You never had the courage... to face what you’d done. In the end, everything you did... being the hero of the continent... was nothing but a pathetic way to comfort yourself, a way to run from the real problem and the real sins you carry...” I continued.

“

Heuk... ugh... uuuugh...

”

“Layering rationalization over rationalization... choosing it as a way to keep yourself from breaking apart. You might think that’s not true... but I know you. I know you better than anyone, even better than you know yourself.

"You think so too, don’t you? You’re admitting it to yourself right now. That’s why... you can’t even look at me. You can’t refute what I’m saying. You can’t even meet my eyes,” I said.

“I-I...

haa... heuk... ah...

”

“Look at me.” I ordered him.

“...”

“You need to look at me. You need to look straight into my... eyes,” I told him.

“...”

“You cursed bastard,” I said.

“

Heugh... uuuugh... heuk...

”

“Look. At. Me. I told you to look at me,” I said.

“...”

“Don’t cry. I just told you to look at me,” I said.

“

Huu... ah... ugh... uuuugh...

”

“I said, look at me! Look at me! You disgusting bastard!” I shouted.

“...”

“How many times do I have to say it?! What’s wrong with you! You idiot! That’s why you’re pathetic. That’s why you’re a pathetic bastard! Because you can’t even face what you’ve done! That’s why you’re worthless! You bastard!

"You can’t even do a single thing right! You didn’t even understand what you’d done! Damn it! Because you never truly felt the weight of it!

Cough! Cough!

You son of a bitch! You could’ve avoided it!” I yelled at him.

“...”

“Do you really think that ordinary people live thinking like you do?! How the hell could you think of saving the continent! Damn it!! How could you even think that going around saving people who have nothing to do with me could ever count as atonement for your sins?! Damn it!”

“

Huu... ah... huu...

”

“You agreed to it! You damn well deceived me! You killed everyone in that city... and you thought all of that could be atoned for! That’s why you could walk around so shamelessly with your head held high!

"That’s why you could go around talking about revenge for the pain you suffered!!! Honestly! Do you think there’s anyone else as vile as you!? How?! How could trash like you become a hero?! Damn it!” I yelled at him.

“...”

“How could someone as filthy as you be admired and praised by everyone! Even when you struggled to save Rahel! In the end! It was for yourself! You bastard! Everything you did! In the end, it was all for yourself!”

“No... that’s not... Ki...” he muttered.

“

Haa... haa... haa...

” I breathed in ragged pants.

“...”

“You probably thought you were different. You probably thought that at least trying to stop the massacre was a consolation, but it wasn’t. Hyun-Sung. I don’t believe you truly tried to stop it,” I said.

“N-no... that’s not true... I really—”

“I’m certain that somewhere deep down, you felt relieved that the purge went as planned. You were relieved that you wouldn’t lose what you were meant to gain,” I interrupted him.

“That’s not... true. Even if... still... I... did everything...” he muttered.

“Why didn’t you give up anything?” I asked.

“...What?”

“I asked you why you didn’t give up anything, Hyun-Sung,” I repeated.

“...”

“You just needed a reason, didn’t you? You must’ve made one for yourself. You didn’t want to repeat something like that again. Or was it simply that you wanted to be safe?

"You were afraid you might one day end up like them, weren’t you? Afraid that you would become like those you killed with your own hands... Wasn’t that what terrified you? At twenty-four... didn’t you want to run from death more than anything?” I questioned.

“...”

“You must’ve been sick of assassins too... For the sake of even a little peace of mind, what

wouldn't

you do?” I added.

“T-that’s not true, Mr. Ki-Young... That’s... absolutely not...

hngh... hngh

... please believe me. I wasn’t afraid of that,” he begged.

“If you were me... would you be able to believe yourself?” I asked.

“...”

“...”

“You really can’t think of anything but yourself until the very end. You just saw what happened when I trusted you... you know it. Trusting you was the worst choice of my life. Leaning on you, even a little, was one of the greatest mistakes I have ever made.

"The decision to place even the slightest hope in you has taken everything away from me... even the one thing I had left, you took that away too...” I said.

“...”

“So how do you expect me to trust you?” I asked.

“

Heuk... heuk... heuk...

” Kim Hyun-Sung cried.

“I remember perfectly what happened when I trusted you. How could I ever trust you again? It would’ve been better if you had turned your back on me, you cursed bastard.

"Maybe in your memory it’s already a faded story, but I remember everything clearly. The air that day, the screams all around, the people who died without being able to do anything, and the soldiers who drew their swords to resist, only to die meaninglessly..."

“...”

“The children and the elderly who ran in silence, the people who burned in the middle of the city, and those who died where they couldn’t even see a step ahead, I remember them all. It’s still vivid in my head. My little brother who carried me on his back to protect me, and our pig who died without ever getting the chance to bloom.

"Every time I close my eyes, the emotions from that day feel so vivid that I can’t even understand how I ever managed to forget them,” I described.

“...”

“You killed them. All of them,” I said.

“...”

“Every person there, you killed them because of your immature, foolish decision. For your greed, your dreams, your safety, they died. Yes, maybe you feel wronged. Maybe you wonder why you have to carry all that filth, but does that matter?

"You don’t get to question why it had to be you. The residents of Rahel who you allowed to die probably died without ever knowing why they had to,” I added.

“I’m sorry... I... I—everything was my...” he mumbled.

“What would it take for you to atone? What do you think will earn you forgiveness?” I questioned.

“If there’s anything I can do... anything at all... please...

heuk...

” I begged.

“Do you want to turn back?” I asked.

“...”

“Do you want to fix what you’ve done?” I asked.

“Y-yes... if I can... if I can fix this...” he answered.

“...”

“...”

“Then why are you still alive?” I questioned.

“...”

“You say you want to fix it... so why are you still alive, you son of a bitch! You should be torn apart! You cursed bastard! How come you're still breathing so shamelessly?!” I yelled.

“

Kgh... kgh... haa... heuk... kgh... kgh...

”

“Does it hurt? Does this really hurt?! I suffered more. These tiny hands... can’t even muster strength, I can’t even properly choke you, and this is what you call pain?!

"You shameless bastard! Trash! Disgusting piece of filth! Damn hypocrite! You’re not afraid of dying now, are you? If anything, wouldn’t that be better for you? Didn’t you want to die later on?” I questioned.

“...”

“After clinging shamelessly to life and throwing everything away to survive! In the end, you wanted to die more than anyone! You worthless trash! Wouldn’t this be a reward for you?

"Wouldn’t this be the perfect ending for you?

Huh?

I’m right, aren’t I? You useless bastard who can’t do anything but swing a sword,” I continued.

“

Kgh... kgh... ha... hoo... hoo... kgh... kgh...

”

“Were you expecting something?” I asked.

“

Kgh... heh... kgh... haa... ahh... huu... kgh...

”

“...”

“

Haa... haa... kgh! Cough! Cough! Cough! Haa... haa... haa...

”

“You must never become comfortable,” I cursed him.

“

Cough! Cough! Cough! Haa... ahh... heuk... haa...

”

“I think I finally understand why I chose you, Hyun-Sung. Our lovely regressor. I must’ve chosen you so I could make you suffer for the rest of your life. You’re someone who must never be happy... You don’t deserve atonement! You don’t deserve to live for others! You don’t deserve to become a hero, but...” I trailed off.

“

Huu... haa... huu... huu...

”

“You... you... will become a hero. Because that’s what I want,” I told him.

“

Haa... haa... haa...

”

“You’ll save everyone, you’ll save the continent, and you’ll save me,” I added.

“

Huu... huu... haa...

”

“You’re my regressor,” I said.

“

Ah...

”

“You are my regressor, Kim Hyun-Sung,” I repeated.

“

Ugh...”

“Because I chose you,” I said.

“...”

“You’ll grow enough to sacrifice yourself for others, but in the end, you’ll never be saved."

“

Haa... heuk... heuk...

”

“Don’t think a happy ending is waiting for you,” I told him.

“

Haa... heuk... heuk...

”

“No matter what you do to atone, there will never be an option where you are forgiven."

“

Heuk... heuk...

”

“You’ll spend your entire life swimming in an ocean of pain and suffering.” I cursed him.

“

Haa... heuk... heuk...

”

“I’ll give you a future, Hyun-Sung,” I said.

“...”

“...”

“...”

“No, I’ll do it, Mr. Hyun-Sung,” I said politely.